NAZCA

• ENERGY: grumpy old lady energy

• ALIGNMENT: lawful evil

• SUPERPOWER: extremely reliable gaydar (I don’t know how, but she KNOWS!), empathy

• LIKES: naps, being the tiny spoon, her shelf cave, cat nip, for the cat boys to leave her the hell alone, sometimes Finn

• DISLIKES: having her house disrupted, the cat boys trying to play with her, straight people (I SWEAR I DIDN’T TEACH HER THIS, OMG)

• ORIGIN STORY: Nazca is my OG Cat, who made me a cat person. I adopted her about a week after immigrating the U.S. in early August of 2007 from a seedy pet shop that advertised “free kittens with any purchase.” I bought a $1 cat toy and got this tiny gray shoulder gremlin who claimed me by climbing over all the other kittens, and I just knew she had to come home with me. Because she’s been sickly as a kitten, Nazca has always been tiny, but she makes up for it in fierceness. She takes no shit and will do harm if people don’t respect her boundaries. That said, she somehow has impeccable gaydar and if you are straight, you will likely never see her. If you’re queer though, she will bestow her affections and might even climb into your lap!

LOKI

• ENERGY: the nurturing Omega of the bunch, Cinnamon Roll

• ALIGNMENT: lawful good

• SUPERPOWER: anti-anxiety cuddles, Best Cat Dad to Finn and Poe, WILL find the best napping spots

• LIKES: belly rubs, sun spots, comfy places, reading (meaning: lap!) time, his sons Finn and Poe, string toys, treats

• DISLIKES: loud voices, car rides, stress, baths (he learned his lesson about rolling in the fireplace ashes)

• ORIGIN STORY: Loki came to me in 2008 after a friend found him outside her dorm. They didn’t allow cats, so her family paid for him getting fixed and checked out by the vet and he came to live with me, right around the time I was going through my first (extremely nasty) divorce. Loki’s cuddle skills. Loki always has been kind of anxious, but he loves EVERYONE and is one of the chillest cats ever. The only time he’s ever hissed was when he was scared. He’s got Major Cinnamon Roll Energy who doesn’t have a mean bone in his body. He absolutely LOVES his sons, Finn and Poe, who brought him his true calling as Cinnamon Roll Cat Dad.

FINN

• ENERGY: the Sunshine One

• ALIGNMENT: chaotic good

• SUPERPOWER: plays fetch, great hunter, gets everyone to love him (even Nazca)

• LIKES: flopping down and rolling on his back for belly rubs, Poe and Loki, his hammock, lounging in the sun with the rest of the cat boys

• DISLIKES: being startled, the vacuum

• ORIGIN STORY: Finn and Poe very much came in a package deal, mostly because Finn is an extremely aggressive snuggler. I didn’t MEAN to adopt another gray cat, but he was just too gregarious and clearly loved people, even as a tiny two-month-old kitten. Finn has always been really outgoing and vocal. He’ll tell you what he wants and always has something to say. He has his scheduled times to play fetch with his very favorite toys, and will come and “get” you when you’re not going to bed on time. He’s definitely the Sunshine One of the bunch who is a LORGE, loves food, and his friendliness makes him hard for even Nazca to resist.

Poe

• ENERGY: Extreme Protagonist Energy, Chaos Demon

• ALIGNMENT: chaotic neutral

• SUPERPOWER: HOW ARE YOU THIS CUTE?!, has an actual fan club, chaos

• LIKES: being right where EVERYTHING IS HAPPENING, getting his photo taken (see my insta as evidence), climbing all the way up the library ladder to nap or chase his tail, FIRE, water, new people, chewing on things, hanging with the rest of the cat boys

• DISLIKES: not being allowed to eat EVERYTHING, the vacuum, earthquakes, going places by himself

• ORIGIN STORY: Poe is the chaos demon protagonist to Finn’s soft sidekick energy. He was really shy at first, but once he was settled, everything is HIS to explore. He doesn’t understand the concept of no and doesn’t care about being sprayed with water, unless it gets annoying at some point. He is the kind of cat who starts shit, only to scream when Finn finishes it, and all-around has the BIGGEST chaos demon energy. He’s a shoulder cuddler, who loves to nap with people. He likes his toe-beans massaged and pets pretty much anywhere. He’ll fuck up any floppy plant he can get to and won’t shy away from biting a cactus, because common sense has no place in his adventure cat brain. He probably should be a cat model, given how much he loves his picture taken. His kind of cute should be illegal.

GANDALF

• ENERGY: grumpy old mentor who has zero fucks left

• ALIGNMENT: chaotic good

• SUPERPOWER: SO VERY FLUFFY

• LIKES: Alex and everything Alex does; soft, fluffy pillows, laps, chin scritches

• DISLIKES: when Alex isn’t around, Poe (except he secretly loves him), bags, people wearing shoes

• ORIGIN STORY: I didn’t mean to adopt another cat. Okay, that’s probably the origin story of most of the cats who eventually ended up living with me, but Gandalf was definitely a case of “This cat adopted me.” When I went to Best Friends in Sugarhouse “just to pet some cats,” Gandalf, then named Mr. Floofers, decided my lap perfectly fit the very precise specifications only he had for any lap suitable for his very fluffy self. At thirteen years old, he was an old boy then, and his old man vibes have only intensified since then. He is the curmudgeonly king of the house, with Finn and Poe eventually snuggling him into submission, so he now not only plays with them but will actually tolerate cuddles (although he’d never admit as much.) Gandalf loves people as long as they don’t wear clompy shoes or come towards him with bags. Chin scritches are an apporiate toll to pay for Gandalf snuggles and he will correct anybody who dares to pet him wrong with the grumpiest of old man meows.

EDDIE

• ENERGY: SO MUCH SASS

• ALIGNMENT: chaotic neutral

• SUPERPOWER: extreme lack of self preservation

• LIKES: BUGS!, being a shoulder dragon, being dramatic, people and cat-watching, pooping anywhere that’s NOT his enclosure

• DISLIKES: the smell of his own shit (PLEASE, CLEAN IT UP, NOW!), baths (as a result of running through his own shit like a freak), mornings

• ORIGIN STORY: So, I never meant to adopt a bearded dragon or a reptile in general, but then COVID hit, I “just browsed” the local ads, and an hour-plus drive later, I ended up with Eddie, who is very much a people dragon and loved living in my classroom, because high school students are entertaining AF. Soon, it became clear that Eddie really needed a home base, so now he lives at my house in a vaguely Tim Burton-themed enclosure, and a future as Eddie the Travel Lizard ahead of him, once it’s safe to take him back to school with me. That is, if I can teach him to NOT start shitting anywhere BUT his enclosure. Seriously, it’s a hazard. There’s never been a dragon so averse to the stink of his own shit as Eddie. This human sure agrees that a fouler smell has never come out of such tiny, scaly bowels. Still, he’s my dramatic scaly son, even when he decides to be a literal shit.

• Note: Eddie’s full name is Eddie (L)Izzard for Eddie Izzard, but that was before Eddie Izzard came out as trans. Eddie the LIZARD seems to be fine with he/him pronouns but I’ll be sure to update this if this changes.